All too often planning a wedding seems to be an act of balance and compromise. This may seem like a good recipe for marriage but it never seems that the compromise is happening between the couple.  How often do I hear from couples that they want this aspect to keep one side of the family happy or that aspect so that the mother-in-law gets the photo moment she had assumed she would have since her child came into the world?  How often do I get told that this side of the family wouldn’t approve or that side of the family would feel alienated?

Every time I give the same answer: The wedding day has to mirror the future relationship. If you are making huge sacrifices or struggling to compromise on that day the likelihood is you are either not being true to yourselves as to how your relationship is going to be or you are going to live a life resenting the sacrifice and the compromise.

The wedding ceremony needs to reflect what you want from your marriage and gives couples a wonderful opportunity to make sure, before they enter into the marriage, that they do in fact want the same thing.  If your future life together is going to include two faiths, two cultures and a blending of these two identities then that is exactly what your wedding day should reflect.  It is very easy to take symbols from two different religions and blend them, creating new meaningful rituals.  If, however, you intend to create a Jewish home together, bring any future children up as Jews even if one of you is not Jewish and not intending to convert, your wedding ceremony should reflect that and make that statement to your guests. 

There is only discomfort and feelings of alienation at weddings when the bride and groom are not being true to themselves or their guests, when the message of what they are doing and why they are doing it is not being fully communicated to those there to support them.  That message may come through by the person officiating but maybe a leaflet or written explanation created by you gives that message more depth.

Although Reform rabbis cannot officiate at a wedding between a Jew and a non Jew we would help any couple plan a wedding that is going to reflect their lives in the future. This means that a Reform rabbi cannot just get pulled into a wedding to ‘do the Jewish bit’ which may satisfy the needs of the mother-in-law but may not reflect the needs of the bride and groom. Traditionally Jewish weddings have never needed a rabbi to officiate at them so you certainly shouldn’t think that you need a rabbi to reflect the tradition of the Jewish partner. There are wonderful ways of using Jewish tradition to enhance your wedding ceremony or even your party.

The Sheva Brachot are 7 blessings bestowed on the bride and groom both under the chuppah (the wedding canopy) and at the wedding reception.  The traditional 7 blessings may not be appropriate for all couples but it doesn’t stop you asking 7 friends or relatives to write or read 7 blessings for you on your special day.

At the end of a Jewish wedding a glass is smashed.  There are many interpretations of this action but one is to show that within every joyous occasion there is a sadness that we are remembering and to help us acknowledge how fragile life is. This message could be very poignant to many people as they stand at their wedding, perhaps that Jewish ritual would be a way of speaking differently to every person in the room whilst also using some familiar Jewish customs.

Perhaps as a Christian you had always thought your mother would light a candle at your wedding until you found yourself in love with a Jewish man and realised it wasn’t part of Jewish tradition.  Look at how Judaism uses candles in its celebrations. Is there a way of blending the two customs to show the blending of your two traditions?

Don’t feel that because you are of different religions doors are closed to you.  You may have to work harder at creating the wedding ceremony for you but get help, read plenty and make sure you have really explored what your married life is going to be like and therefore what you want to represent as you stand together on your wedding day.  It is easy to fall into the trap of wanting to please everyone but when they see how honest you are being to yourselves it will be much easier to bring them along on the journey with you.

Miriam Berger is Rabbi at Finchley Reform Synagogue.